Day two focused on different types of orgasms. Day three was all about foreplay. Day four introduced the idea of why the heart is important during sex. Day five, which quickly became my favorite, was a sensual meditation on breast massage. Some of the details were so specific—36 strokes in one direction, and then in the other—I became turned on just by listening. As the week of sex meditations wore on, I noticed myself doing exactly what Silva described: becoming more attentive and aware of my own senses and desires.

On day six, things got really interesting: it was time to talk “slow self-pleasuring.”

I’m no stranger to masturbation, especially as a form of stress-release and self-care, but this wasn’t my usual afternoon quickie. Instead, the pleasant female voice walked me through a detailed plan of slowing down masturbation in order to focus on my body and what I was feeling. At least 20 minutes of self-pleasure, the meditation directed. I followed orders.

By this point, it had been a full six days since I have tried to have an orgasm (though not required, I’d decided to pause doing anything sexy with my husband or solo in order to fully experience the meditation app) so I was eager to give it a go. My last several attempts had been frustrating at best—even using my best moves, I was too distracted by money worries and career anxiety to fully enjoy myself. But nearly a week of sex meditation had paid off: after 20 minutes of what I can only describe as mindful foreplay, I had a very intense orgasm.

On day seven, it was time to think about bringing my partner into my new Zen approach to sex. I was tingly, I realized, in the same way that I get tingly after my husband or I has a work trip and we’re about to be reunited. “When we center ourselves it’s often easier to be present with others,” says Liz Powell, Ph.D., a psychologist in San Francisco. “Taking the time to meditate can help you clear out the junk from the outside world that piles up between you and those closest to you.”

When my husband and I finally got down to business, I noticed a subtle but powerfully sensual shift. I was more attentive to each touch, purposefully slowing down, focusing on foreplay, and enjoying every little moment without wondering when we were going “get to the point,” so I could get back to my to-do list.

I’m not sure if it was the advice stop trying to “chase the orgasm” (a gem from day seven), the reminder to “keep breathing and stay with each other,” or simply the fact that I was more focused on my body’s enjoyment and less focused on checking one more thing off of my to-do list, but I could definitely tell we were much more in touch with each other’s needs than we have been in months. I was more connected to myself, and in turn, more connected to my partner.

On top of that, I finally found a meditation routine I want to stick with. Something about meditating for better sex worked for me in a way regular old mediation never has. Not only did the mindfulness techniques really help me get better in touch with myself but the guided sessions also taught me quite a few things about how to seek my own pleasure. I know exactly how my husband and I will be spending our Valentine’s Day weekend.

Irina Gonzalez is a freelance writer and editor based in Florida, covering food, wellness, relationships, travel and Latinx culture. Follow her on Instagram at @msirinagonzalez.

Your first crush is a rite of passage. The fixations that follow it are just life. Nervous, awkward, sublime. Disastrous. Transcendent. Here, we celebrate infatuations, obsessions, and passions in all their exquisite splendor. Meet our “It’s Just a Little Crush” series. Isn’t she divine?

Since reality TV’s earliest days, countless shows about dating have entered our zeitgeist and stayed in our queues. The Bachelor. Love Island. Dating Naked. Are You the One? Joe Millionaire. I Love New York. The Dating Game. They span networks, platforms, casts, conceits, but they all share one central mission: finding love. (Or at very least, lust.) Why we love—and love to hate—these shows has been much debated, but I have a new theory to put forth: What if we’re all just in it for the crush? How intoxicating to see the exact moment a spark starts! It’s why The Bachelor‘s First Impression Rose is treated like a holy relic, and why Love Island is so quick to add new characters to the mix.

Finding love on reality TV has now become so common, in fact, it’s happening on other shows, ones not based on romance. Take Dancing With the Stars and Big Brother. They may be about competition, but they’ve produced their fair share of relationships. I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise—put any like-minded individuals together long enough, remove them from the rest of society, and something’s going to happen. What is surprising, though, is when these relationships actually last. One could say these couples have truly found love in a hopeless place.

Below, we talked to three women who met their partners through reality TV.

Rachel Lindsay on Being Engaged to Bryan Abasolo. They Met on The Bachelorette.

I was dating someone off-and-on for five years before I auditioned for The Bachelor. I was in my late twenties and genuinely thought he was the man I was going to marry. But we grew apart—both chasing our careers, not focusing on the relationship. I’d tried casually dating in Dallas after things with my ex ended, but that wasn’t really panning out, either. Then, one day, my coworkers came into my office and said: “You should do The Bachelor!” “You’ve got to be kidding,” I said. “Why would I do that show? I don’t even watch it!” But auditions were down the street, so I figured: Why not? Crazier things have happened. I’m cynical, and I didn’t actually think I was going to fall in love, but I was open to the possibility of it, so I went to the audition.

Fast forward a few years and ABC is approaching me to be on The Bachelorette. At first, I actually said no. It didn’t work out for me the first time when I was a contestant on Nick Viall’s season of The Bachelor, so I thought: Why would this time be any different? I truly didn’t believe they would be able to find somebody I’d connect with. What’s more, I knew I would be the first black lead for the franchise, and I didn’t know if I wanted that pressure. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I did want to be the first black lead. I felt I could do it right, and I knew it was bigger than me. If nothing else, I’d be breaking the franchise mold.

But wow, was this time different. Yes, you’re on the same show. Yes, you’re dealing with the same producers, but now you’re in the driver’s seat. I had this group of amazing guys, many of whom I was developing real connections with, and the producers kept telling me, “Have conversations, be open minded,” so I really tried to do that. From the beginning, I knew I connected with Peter and Eric. I also really connected with Matt, which nobody saw—you just saw how emotional I was when I sent him home. Maybe in another time or place it could have worked out with one of the other guys. But somewhere along the way, I fell in love with Bryan.

At the beginning, I was cautious about Bryan. He was a charming guy, and I wondered if there was any sincerity behind the charisma. But moving through the season, I learned what sort of questions to ask to find out. Call it being 32. I just knew how to dig deeper, cut the BS, and get below the surface. With Peter, I felt as though he was still trying to figure himself out. Dean was a lot of fun, but definitely not ready for marriage. With Bryan, I saw that everything I was looking for was there. I actually told his producer, “He’s the one,” which is why, in the end, Bryan got my final rose.

Miley Cyrus‘ wedding is the gift that keeps on giving. So far, the pop singer and her husband, Liam Hemsworth, have shared a handful of moments from their private, secret ceremony that took place right before Christmas Eve. On Valentine’s Day, though, Cyrus posted an even larger batch of photos that may as well be their full wedding album.

“My Valentine every single day ❤️ @liamhemsworth,” Cyrus wrote in the caption of the first photo she shared: where she and Liam embraced in a candid moment. She also talked about how supportive Hemsworth is in another post, sharing, “Thank you for always bending down to hug me … I promise I will always meet you in the middle on my tippiest toes! I love you Valentine! @liamhemsworth.”

The photos also offered a closer look at her Vivian Westwood dress, their flower-laden wedding cake and the white Vans that Hemsworth wore.

Cyrus and Hemsworth were slow to trickle out wedding photos initially after their surprise ceremony. When they made their first red carpet appearance as a married couple in late January, though, Hemsworth opened up about their wedding, calling it a “really nice, beautiful day with our immediate family and a couple of close friends.” He also said that even though they’re married, their relationship is pretty much the same. “It doesn’t feel like a lot’s changed—but on the other hand it has,” he said. “It’s wonderful. I’m loving it.”

Cyrus, meanwhile, confirmed that the pair were indeed married with two words. “My love,” she wrote on Instagram, sharing their first wedding pic and adding a heart emoji. She also shared a selfie of her and Hemsworth with the caption, “This is probably our one – millionth kiss ….” In the comments, when someone congratulated the singer on marrying “the hottest man [in] Hollywood,” she replied, “I knooooowwwww right.”

While Cyrus has yet to update her Instagram, she is apparently going by Miley Ray Hemsworth now, as Hemsworth recently revealed. “She will still be, obviously, known as Miley Cyrus, but she took my name, which is great,” he said. “I think that was honestly one of the best things about it. I didn’t ask her to take my name, and then she was like, ‘No, of course I’m taking your name.’ I’m like, ‘[Gasp] that’s awesome!'”

For the sake of clarity, it is worth dwelling on what John Wayne Bobbitt was accused of. She met him when she was 19, at a dance for enlisted men. They were married within a year. According to Lorena, he began to hit her a month later. The film details how, after he left the military, John couldn’t keep a job. He worked as a bouncer for a time, but Lorena recalls that he spent his time, for the most part, drinking. She was left to support both of them with her wages from the nail salon. The bank foreclosed on their house, and she alleges the beatings escalated. At one point Lorena got pregnant on purpose, thinking that a child would make John gentler and more responsible. When he found out, she says he forced her to have an abortion—even though it went against her Catholic beliefs. When he took her to the clinic, she claims he made cruel jokes about needles and syringes penetrating her vagina. (He denies these allegations.)

John appears several times in the series, interviewed from a wide barcalounger in his home and drinking from a Big Gulp. He speaks in short, muttered sentences. He does not seem sad, remorseful, or embarrassed about the incident; indeed he shows remarkably few signs of having any inner life at all. Several people in Lorena comment on John’s good looks, and it’s true that he was very handsome when Lorena married him, is handsome even now, diminished though he is by a age and a bigger, softer body and a reddened complexion. He has piercing, beautiful blue eyes, but there seems to be nothing going on behind them. At his own criminal trial for sexual assault against Lorena—the acquittal wasn’t surprising in the early nineties, when much of the country still considered “marital rape” an oxymoron—one of the arguments of his defense team was that John’s testimony should be considered credible essentially because he was too stupid to lie.

In the series, two of John’s friends at the time are interviewed and give credence to the assault accusations. One of the men testified that John described the rapes to them in boasting terms: “He liked to make girls squirm. And yell. And make them bleed, and yell for help.” John insists he never raped Lorena, but she describes a consistent pattern: He would come home drunk at three or four in the morning and she would wake up to him already raping her, or he would lurch onto her when she was home from work. On the stand at her criminal trial for malicious wounding, Lorena could barely get out the words. The documentary shows her sobbing in the witness box in big, indelicate gasps, tears streaming down her face as she told the court, humiliated, how he liked to sodomize her. Off camera, the voice of a lawyer can be heard. “And did he use any lubricant?” “No.” According to Lorena, John beat and raped her nearly every day. She testified that he did this for years.

On the night she cut his dick off, Lorena told law enforcement John came home drunk again in the early hours of the morning and got on top of her, ignoring her pleas to stop. Afterward, she went into the kitchen for water, trying to calm down. She says she saw the kitchen knife illuminated by the light from the refrigerator. It was a clean cut.

After the incident, public attention focused almost entirely on the severed penis. Its functionality or lack thereof, how and where it had been found, all became the subject of lurid public interest. There was something a little too on the nose about the spectacle of a woman cutting off a man’s penis. In 1993, America was haunted by anxieties about gender. More women were working, living on their own, having casual sex, and participating in public life than ever before, and many men were anxious, as they are now, about women’s rise. John’s severed dick became a symbol of all of America’s fears about feminism, the unsubtle Freudian symbol of men’s anxiety about women and their untapped power. But none of those anxieties had much to do with Lorena, or with the reality of her story. She became a symbol of women’s rage, how it is unjustified and dangerous. The real Lorena does not seem angry. She seems tired and scared. But public spectacle isn’t meant to accommodate women’s pain, and so Lorena was turned into a caricature instead.

But there has always been a different interpretation of Lorena—one that views her act as understandable, if less than ideal. From this standpoint, her decision can be seen as not insane, but eminently rational. When she had her day in court, she said she had been raped over and over again by the same attacker. And then she removed her attacker’s weapon.