I saw Jerry Maguire when I was around 12 years old. As an impressionable middle schooler, hormones ricocheting around my tiny body, I slurped up the on screen romance between Tom Cruise and Renée Zellweger like a Jamba Juice smoothie. While the boys my age were discovering porn, I was furiously masturbating to the idea of finding my one true love.

From Nora Ephron’s devastatingly well-written worlds in films like You’ve Got Mail and When Harry Met Sally to the whimsical, floppy-haired romances in Richard Curtis movies (hello, Notting Hill), I was just a girl, standing in front of a movie theater screen, desperate to find a man that would look at me while I was smiling at something else.

You know the look I mean? It’s a moment that appears in all the best romantic films. It’s always soundtracked by a pitch-perfect romantic song from whatever decade the movie lives in. The protagonists are doing something fun and quirky, like, shopping for fruit. The woman is in her own world, smelling apples or whatever, and he’s looking at her look at the fruit like, Wow, she’s perfect. Then the woman catches him looking at her and says something profound like, “What?” He wants to say that he loves her more than he ever thought he could love anyone—because obviously he’s kind of damaged—but instead says, “Nothing.” But the way he says “nothing” is perfect. It’s the kind of line delivery that makes you realize you should be sitting on a towel.

I wanted that. For a long time. But not anymore.

The idea of romantic love is so intrinsically tied to the way we love ourselves. When we have it, we are on top of the world. When we don’t, we feel small and worthless. We question what it is about ourselves that is unlovable, and we believe that it is our shortcomings that keep us from finding the person who’s going to make us a better, more realized person.

The very thesis of one of Jerry Maguire‘s most famous lines—”You complete me”—is the idea that there’s a void inside of you, and it won’t be filled until you find another person to fill it. With all due respect to director Cameron Crowe, a master of his craft who wrote the line, I call bullshit. I think it’s time we shatter the illusion that anyone can be completed by another person’s love. You can be uplifted, empowered, and comforted by it. But the only person that can complete you is you.

So here I am, 31 and single for the first time in eight years, angry at the genre that lied to me for so long.

But maybe it didn’t fully lie. Maybe the romantic comedy has just been focusing on the wrong romance. When I sat down to write Someone Great I knew two things: 1) There was no world where Jenny (Gina Rodriguez) and Nate (Lakeith Stanfield) could end up together at the end of this movie and 2) That the central love story would not be between Jenny and Nate, but instead between Jenny and her two best friends, Erin (DeWanda Wise) and Blair (Brittany Snow).

The first time we slept together was six months later. He’d come over after a party to watch the pilot of Freaks and Geeks together. Then we regularly started hanging out to “watch more episodes.” Slowly Freaks and Geeks bled into the fabric of our lives. Always at night, only after consuming alcohol, and never without a feeling of spontaneity. At first our friends didn’t know, so we’d catch each other’s eyes from across the backyard of the stucco ranch we called Casa Moreno, the party house on campus, and sneak off into the night. To me, the knowing glances felt like magic; as if watching his eyes turn into smiling half-moons contained more meaning than any real declaration of love ever could. What I didn’t realize is that we were just too immature, too insecure, too unsure to ever verbalize what was happening out loud. Thus an in-betweenship was born.

As an English major with a taste for melodrama, I loved the idea that I was involved in something that felt impossible to label—it seemed even bigger, more complex, realer. A Farewell to Arms and Wuthering Heights were some of my favorite books. I wanted a guy like Heathcliff to love me so much that he’d dig out my corpse from a grave. So on we went, silently but in tandem.

There were other people. Hurt feelings. So many tears. But it’s hard get mad at somebody for breaking a rule you had never set. You can’t really walk away from something that never truly started. Spoiler alert: Normal People ends with Marianne telling Connell to move to New York for graduate school. “You should go,” she says. “I’ll always be here. You know that.” It’s a romantic gesture. But it’s also maddening. She knows that this thing between them is inescapable. Even the Atlantic Ocean is no match for it.

But in real life, these entanglements do end. You get older and learn that real relationships are built on communication; in fact, it’s the hallmark of a good one! And also that just because the drama is fun—if there’s a greater thrill than drunkenly screaming at someone in the corner of a party over nothing but also everything, I don’t know it—it doesn’t mean it’s good for a person’s emotional health.

It took me what felt like forever to get there. After college we both ended up in New York for the summer before he was set to move to Japan. I wish I could tell you that without the fog of patchouli oil and weed forever wafting across campus—or no longer having the Santa Ana winds (the California version of “mercury being in retrograde) to blame—that I finally wised up. But of course I didn’t. When he left, we sent each other essay-length emails that never said, “I miss you.”

Then about a year later, he came home for the holidays and I found myself yet again on the third floor of his parents’ house. And for whatever inexplicable reason, it finally stopped feeling sexy. It just felt really, really gross. Like being hungover on a merry-go-round. I’d stayed too long at the fair.

Most people aren’t like Marianne and Connell. For most, the moment will come when you realize you deserve a Noah Calhoun, or at the very least our Noah Centineo—the kind of guy who gets mad because you don’t post enough Instagrams together, not the type of guy who puts his arm around you only in public after six beers.

Samantha Leach is an assistant culture editor at Glamour. Follow her on Twitter @_sleach.

Another day, another wildly luxurious Kardashian party to (virtually) attend.

Just last weekend, the first family of reality television got together to celebrate the first birthday of Khloé Kardashian‘s daughter, True Thompson—complete with a very awkward moment with True’s scandal-ridden dad, Tristan Thompson. Now it’s Kourtney Kardashian‘s turn to blow out the candles. Forty of them, to be exact.

Since this is the Kardashians we’re talking about, Kourt’s party looks like it cost a bazillion dollars and was thankfully well documented on social media. Before they even got to the event, the family shared lots of memories and birthday wishes for Kris Jenner‘s firstborn. “Happy Birthday @kourtneykardash I honestly can’t believe the life we have lived,” Kim Kardashian caption some adorable old photos. “It’s such a dream to go through it all with having a sister like you by our side! You have taught me so much throughout life. You’re such an amazing mom and friend! Can’t wait to celebrate you tonight! I love you beyond what you could imagine ✨”

Stephanie Shepherd, former assistant to Kim and a close friend of Kourtney Kardashian’s, shared birthday wishes and sent over a cake designed as a Time magazine cover touting Kourt as “The Original Macrobiotic MILF.”

Now let’s get to this party, which featured a cake with a naked replica of Kourtney sitting on a bathtub, bottles of liquor with her face on them, and napkins that called out some of the most iconic moments from Keeping Up With the Kardashians like “Kim, there are people that are dying” and “most interesting to look at.”

Take a look:

All the sisters were very sparkly, of course.

Robin Thicke, Khloé’s ex French Montana, Travis Scott, and Kanye West were in the house, along with Paris Hilton, Grandma MJ, and momager Kris.

It seems like a good time was had by all. Happy Birthday, Kourt!

Vegan beauty—makeup and skin care that’s made without any animal by-products—is getting better by the minute. But one category it’s taken a while to catch up on is mascara. The majority of mascara formulas often rely on beeswax, which helps with glide and shine. That’s not to say there aren’t any great ones, in fact some of Sephora’s top-sellers (like Too Faced’s Better Than Sex) are vegan. It’s just a limited pool.

That’s why the internet was so excited that another option would be joining the party when Kat Von D announced it would be dropping a new mascara, Go Big or Go Home. It’s the brand’s first mascara launch in five years, and it’s 100 percent cruelty-free and vegan. The formula uses a plant-based blend of waxes from olive and sunflower oils in place of beeswax, and promises extreme volume, and fluffy, ultra-black lashes. Nancy McGuire, vice president of product development for Kat Von D Beauty tells Glamour, “We paid particular attention to the ‘weight’ of the formula. If the formula is too heavy, lashes droop during the day, and we wanted yours to be as good when you go home as when you first apply.”

We had five Glamour editors put that claim to the test. Read on for our honest reviews.

Lindsay Schallon, senior beauty editor
At first I was worried this was more of a no-mascara mascara. You know the ones that give just a little gloss and tint, but go easy on the volume? I like thick, long lashes—we’re talking falsie level big—and after a few swipes, this wasn’t doing it. But that’s when I realized that’s the magic in it. Five swipes is perfect for people who want a small boost. Keep building, and building, and building though, and that’s when you’ll get the extreme volume. It personally takes more swipes than I’d like (I think that’s because the formula is drier), but the tradeoff is it doesn’t smudge under your eyes. And no matter how much you build, the big brush always leaves your lashes fanned out.

Khaliha Hawkins, producer
This mascara provided the length and definition that my lashes need to frame my eyes. It’s the perfect mascara for when I’m not wearing any makeup or am wearing a natural look. Unfortunately, it’s not waterproof, so my runny eyes didn’t quite love it.

Bella Cacciatore, beauty assistant
I love how black this mascara is, and it definitely delivers on the volume claim. Length-wise it didn’t add too much to my itty bitty lashes, which paired with the extreme volume can make them look a little clumpy. But on the plus side, it didn’t flake or smudge, and despite how thickening it is my lashes felt light and fluffy.

Tara Gonzalez, commerce editor
Mascara is my favorite makeup step, so I typically don’t stray from what I use. I have larger eyes and want to make sure my lashes look as huge as possible. This mascara definitely took a couple swipes for me to start noticing a difference, and unlike most mascaras I use, it added more volume than length. That was great, though, because it made my lashes look full in a natural way.

Halie LeSavage, fashion associate
Kat Von D’s Go Big Or Go Home mascara delivers on voluminous, defined lashes. Mine weren’t quite as fluttery as the example on the box, but three coats made my short lashes stand out. For a more natural look, I shimmied the brush from the roots of my lashes to the ends. On mornings when I don’t have time for a full face of makeup, but still want to look awake, I’ll definitely be reaching for this.

Sephora

Kat Von D Go Big or Go Home Mascara

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Bella Cacciatore is a beauty assistant at Glamour. Follow her @bellacacciatore_ on Instagram.

Nobel Watch 2019 continued on The Big Bang Theory this week as Amy and Sheldon were forced to do damage control following their outburst (well, Amy’s) in front of laureates, peers, and imposters (Pemberton and Campbell, for those keeping track). It’s no Game of Thrones cliffhanger, but it’ll do, especially since we’re down to the last five episodes. Shamy has to win the Nobel eventually, right?

If it’s going to happen, President Siebert and Ms. Davis (Oscar winner Regina King, praise be) tell Sheldon and Amy that they’re going to have to run a near flawless campaign the rest of the way. That means keeping their mouth shut and not throwing accusations at anyone. “The science world is a small community. People talk,” Siebert says. The only thing to do is lay low and cancel all further speaking engagements.

But then, as if Sheldon and Amy don’t already know this (I mean, why do you think Amy had her outburst?), Ms. Davis says that “winning the Nobel is very important to us, and not just the university. Dr. Fowler, you would only be the fourth woman to win a Nobel prize in physics.” I have trouble believing that Amy isn’t aware of this, but apparently it’s news to her. Ms. Davis piles on the pressure by also pointing out that a win for Amy would be inspirational to an entire generation of young women. Hey, Ms. Davis and President Siebert, here’s a news flash: Why don’t you tell that to the fellow Nobel winners voting for them? Amy already knows she has to be on her best behavior, so what’s this added pressure going to do?

Well, for the sake of the next 18 minutes of the episode, it drives the story forward. Amy is so overwhelmed by potentially being only the fourth woman to win a Nobel in physics that she goes through an entire stick of antiperspirant in an hour. Leonard—clearly worried about the amount of sweat that Amy is producing—suggests that she and Sheldon (who’s also panicking) self-soothe in a sensory deprivation tank.

Shamy decides that self-care can’t be that bad and end up soaking in a tank that looks more like the egg-shaped vessel that Lady Gaga rode in on at the 2011 Grammys than anything else. I’m claustrophobic just looking at it.

Anyway, while Amy’s inside the vessel she sees an image of Ms. Davis talking to her and reiterating the dismal stats of female Nobel winners. That’s followed by images of young women blaming Amy for ruining their chances to win a Nobel. “I was going to be a scientist, but since you lost, I’m just going to have to give makeup tutorials on YouTube!” says one young woman. “Thanks for letting us down,” says another. “You’re such a disappointment!” adds someone else. Maybe this should be the punishment for all the parents involved in Operation Varsity Blues, but what on earth did Amy do to deserve this?

When the hour is up, Sheldon is calm as can be while Amy panics and calls herself a failure.

That afternoon, Amy’s more anxious than ever. She tells Sheldon it was bad enough when she was letting the two of them down; now if she doesn’t win the Nobel she’ll be letting all women down. Sheldon doesn’t know what to do except to Google “what to do when someone’s freaking out.” It says a walk can be calming, so Sheldon does that. It’s rude, but funny.

When he gets back, Amy is still upset so Sheldon asks Leonard and Penny for some advice. Leonard says the only thing he can do is just be there for Amy, but Sheldon doesn’t seem to know what that means. Penny points out that Amy’s always taking care of him, so perhaps that’s why it’s so hard with the roles being reversed. I don’t agree. Even though Sheldon will always think about Sheldon, he’s grown a lot in this area over the last few years. He knows what to do. The whole thing is kind of been there, done that.