How Tinder Killed the Crush – Ode to the Crush

Your first crush is a rite of passage. The fixations that follow it are just life. Nervous, awkward, sublime. Disasturous. Transcendent. Here, we celebrate infatuations, obsessions, and passions in all their exquisite splendor. Meet our “It’s Just a Little Crush” series. Isn’t she divine?

I’ve decided to delete Tinder from my phone again, again.

To do it I have to hold down the icon of the app, then tap the little X to get it off my iPhone. Like all apps, the square does a little wiggle when the X pops up. The animation is more or less innocuous, but when it comes to Tinder that little wiggle is a taunt. You’ll be back, wiggle wiggle, I won’t stay gone for long, wiggle wiggle, you’ll get lonely and want to see if you can find someone who’s wiggle “fluent in sarcasm” wiggle.

For about five years, my relationship with Tinder has been more on-and-off than any of my (several) less-than-stable romantic relationships. But then, romantic relationships take discipline and commitment and time. The better metaphor for Tinder is addiction. Tinder is accessible when I’m at my lowest and gives me a temporary burst of dopamine and distraction, but never more.

And like an addiction, it’s robbed me of at least one of life’s purest pleasures. A million people and articles can explain how Tinder has ruined courtship—and even hook-up culture. But its truest victim is the single element that makes flirtation fun. Tinder killed the crush.

You might think that Tinder would be a crush paradise. After all, crushes are all about instinctual attraction, and what’s more instinctual than evaluating someone’s picture and swiping left or right based on your gut reaction (plus, learning they’re 6’1”, INTJ, and, from the looks of their picture, were once were on a boat). Tinder should fulfill the smartphone promise, making our lives quicker and easier. I’m able to order a pizza and ride in a stranger’s car at the touch of a button. When I’m lonely and bored, I should be able to materialize a crush—someone to joyfully obsess over with all of the hope of someone who thinks she’s found The One.

But see, that smartphone modus operandi (speed! convenience!) runs counter to how human connection works.

Part of the problem is after swiping on Tinder for a few hours (let alone days or weeks), potential partners become almost interchangeable. To the shrewd, practiced swiper, a mere glance at a profile picture is enough to know whether that person merits a right or left swipe. Glasses, right. Dog, right. Fish, left. Mirror selfie, left. Red hat, left. Even when you’re intrigued enough to click for more information on someone, everyone blurs together into a single amorphous Jim looking for his Pam. Far from being fun, early “getting to know each other” conversations quickly become a chore. Our attraction to a person in the real world is based on their smell, the sound of their voice, the things they laugh at. On Tinder, people are just cardboard cutouts. Every time I succumb to it, I find myself using the same trite questions and giving the same trite answers. It’s rare that I ever give someone my phone number to propel the conversation to text. It was even rarer to feel a connection so undeniable that it’s propelled us into the real world. It’s hard to get butterflies about someone who’s just a two-dimensional face in your screen, one of 25 guys saying “hey, how’s ur weekend looking?”

Now a crush. A crush is magnificent. After the “we’re comfortable enough to finally just wear pajamas and order in” stage, it’s the best part of a relationship, when each text notification sends a shiver of excitement through your entire body and you post selfies to your Instagram story just to see if they’ll see them. Yes, it’s also a stage of paranoia (who is that girl in that Facebook picture from 2011???) and misery in the minutes waiting for the response to a risky text, but that exquisite pain just heightens the euphoria when he does text back and when you find out that girl from 2011 was actually just his sister all along.

The one time I ever remember feeling something akin to a crush on someone I saw on an app, it was because I recognized him from Twitter. Without external context, he would have been completely inscrutable. In all likelihood if I hadn’t known he was hilarious and liked the same movies I did from his tweets, I would have swiped left. (Although, in all fairness, maybe I should have. We went out for three months then he dumped me via text.)

Tinder is transactional and gamified. The swipe is a slot machine. It entices you to go for one more swipe and then one more—just to see what else is out there. But no one can match up against the prospect of all the other single people in the world—plus the ones who exist in your imagination. It’s the same mentality that keeps people glued to the slots in Vegas casinos: The next swipe could be the jackpot!

But perhaps the biggest problem with Tinder is also how it sold itself to us: You only match with people whom you know are interested in you. (Or at least interested enough.)

The pleasure of the crush is in how it starts, the uncertainty of it. A crush is a challenge—and a terrifying risk. The not-knowing part, the time when you have no idea how the other person feels about you is about 80 percent of the sensation we describe as butterflies.

It’s exhilarating, miserable, torturous, and ecstatic, the stuff of sending a flirty text that you outsourced to your entire group chat. That tension doesn’t exist on Tinder—where you only end up in conversation with someone once you’ve established mutual attraction. That other person at least wants to meet up, if only just to hook up. And that happens after you’ve waded through throngs of fuckboys and randos.

If you’re looking to meet someone in real life but still want the expediency of the internet, I recommend a good, old-fashioned Twitter DM slide. A little audacious! Full of anticipation! But same rule applies for bathroom mirror selfies: If that’s their profile pic, metaphorically swipe left.

Dana Schwartz is the author of the memoir Choose Your Own Disaster. Follow her on Twitter @DanaSchwartzzz.

How Tinder Killed the Crush: An Ode to the Crush

Your first crush is a rite of passage. The fixations that follow it are just life. Nervous, awkward, sublime. Disastrous. Transcendent. Here, we celebrate infatuations, obsessions, and passions in all their exquisite splendor. Meet our “It’s Just a Little Crush” series. Isn’t she divine?

I’ve decided to delete Tinder from my phone again, again.

To do it I have to hold down the icon of the app, then tap the little X to get it off my iPhone. Like all apps, the square does a little wiggle when the X pops up. The animation is more or less innocuous, but when it comes to Tinder, that little wiggle is a taunt. You’ll be back, wiggle wiggle, I won’t stay gone for long, wiggle wiggle, you’ll get lonely and want to see if you can find someone who’s wiggle “fluent in sarcasm” wiggle.

For about five years, my relationship with Tinder has been more on-and-off than any of my (several) less-than-stable romantic relationships. But then, romantic relationships take discipline and commitment and time. The better metaphor for Tinder is addiction. Tinder is accessible when I’m at my lowest and gives me a temporary burst of dopamine and distraction, but never more.

And like an addiction, it’s robbed me of at least one of life’s purest pleasures. A million people and articles can explain how Tinder has ruined courtship—and even hookup culture. But its truest victim is the single element that makes flirtation fun. Tinder killed the crush.

You might think that Tinder would be a crush paradise. After all, crushes are all about instinctual attraction, and what’s more instinctual than evaluating someone’s picture and swiping left or right based on your gut reaction (plus, learning they’re 6’1″, INTJ, and, from the looks of their picture, were once were on a boat). Tinder should fulfill the smartphone promise, making things quicker and easier. I’m able to order a pizza and ride in a stranger’s car at the touch of a button. When I’m lonely and bored, I should be able to materialize a crush—someone to joyfully obsess over with all of the hope of someone who thinks she’s found The One.

But see, that smartphone modus operandi (speed! convenience!) runs counter to how human connection works.

Part of the problem is after swiping on Tinder for a few hours (let alone days or weeks), potential partners become almost interchangeable. To the shrewd, practiced swiper, a mere glance at a profile picture is enough to know whether that person merits a right or left swipe. Glasses, right. Dog, right. Fish, left. Mirror selfie, left. Red hat, left. Even when you’re intrigued enough to click for more information on someone, everyone blurs together into a single amorphous Jim looking for his Pam. Far from being fun, early “getting to know each other” conversations quickly become a chore. Our attraction to a person in the real world is based on their smell, the sound of their voice, the things they laugh at. On Tinder, people are just cardboard cutouts. Every time I succumb to it, I find myself using the same trite questions and giving the same trite answers. It’s rare that I ever give someone my phone number to propel the conversation to text. It was even rarer to feel a connection so undeniable that it’s propelled us into the real world. It’s hard to get butterflies about someone who’s just a two-dimensional face in your screen, one of 25 guys saying, “Hey, how’s ur weekend looking?”

Now, a crush. A crush is magnificent. After the “We’re comfortable enough to finally just wear pajamas and order in” stage, it’s the best part of a relationship, when each text notification sends a shiver of excitement through your entire body and you post selfies to your Instagram Story just to see if they’ll see them. Yes, it’s also a stage of paranoia (who is that girl in that Facebook picture from 2011???) and misery in the minutes waiting for the response to a risky text, but that exquisite pain just heightens the euphoria when he does text back and when you find out that girl from 2011 was actually just his sister all along.

The one time I ever remember feeling something akin to a crush on someone I saw on an app, it was because I recognized him from Twitter. Without external context, he would have been completely inscrutable. In all likelihood, if I hadn’t known he was hilarious and liked the same movies I did from his tweets, I would have swiped left. (Although, in all fairness, maybe I should have. We went out for three months, then he dumped me via text.)

Tinder is transactional and gamified. The swipe is a slot machine. It entices you to go for one more swipe and then one more—just to see what else is out there. But no one can match up against the prospect of all the other single people in the world, plus the ones who exist in your imagination. It’s the same mentality that keeps people glued to the slots in Vegas casinos: The next swipe could be the jackpot!

But perhaps the biggest problem with Tinder is also how it sold itself to us: You only match with people who you know are interested in you (or at least interested enough).

The pleasure of the crush is in how it starts, the uncertainty of it. A crush is a challenge—and a terrifying risk. The not-knowing part, the time when you have no idea how the other person feels about you is about 80 percent of the sensation we describe as butterflies.

It’s exhilarating, miserable, torturous, and ecstatic, the stuff of sending a flirty text that you outsourced to your entire group chat. That tension doesn’t exist on Tinder—where you only end up in conversation with someone once you’ve established mutual attraction. That other person at least wants to meet up, if just to hook up. And that happens after you’ve waded through throngs of fuckboys and randos.

If you’re looking to meet someone in real life but still want the expediency of the Internet, I recommend a good, old-fashioned Twitter DM slide. A little audacious! Full of anticipation! But same rule applies for bathroom-mirror selfies: If that’s their profile pic, metaphorically swipe left.

Dana Schwartz is the author of the memoir Choose Your Own Disaster. Follow her on Twitter @DanaSchwartzzz.

Your Internet Boyfriend Is Obviously One of These 14 Guys

Your first crush is a rite of passage. The fixations that follow it are just life. Nervous, awkward, sublime. Disasturous. Transcendent. Here, we celebrate infatuations, obsessions, and passions in all their exquisite splendor. Meet our “It’s Just a Little Crush” series. Isn’t she divine?

Internet Boyfriend (n): A male famous or semi-famous person whom your entire Twitter feed has a crush on at the same time. Often a newcomer who at least seems like a feminist. Arrived on the scene with a breakthrough project that made the world go, “👀.” Can be in a relationship, despite Internet Boyfriend status. Can’t be married.

How to use it in a sentence: Noah Centineo is this week’s Internet Boyfriend, but I heard the star of that new Netflix romcom has serious IB potential.

The advent of the Internet Boyfriend (circa 2008) has been explored at length elsewhere, and in truth there is no one definitive account. But what makes an Internet Boyfriend? That’s easier to assess. Because while Internet Boyfriends come in a wealth of looks, aesthetics, and levels of fame, true specimens do share several essential common traits. Of course, an Internet Boyfriend is lovable and charismatic, but so are tons of dudes.

The Internet Boyfriend takes it one step further: If he met your parents, he’d offer up a crumb crake that he’d baked himself—no questions asked. He doesn’t have some weird complex about splitting the check and will happily talk You fan theories with your friends. He’d never leave you on “read.”

At present, Noah Centineo is the Internet’s current BF. His performance in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before made an entire generation of jaded Netflix users believe in romance. But 2018’s Internet Boyfriend can’t hold the top spot forever. With 2019 comes a new slate of men who look like they’d really love to meet your mom and saw this Maya Angelou quote on Instagram that reminded them of you.

Here, we spotlight 13 of them.

The Best Sweatshirts for Women 2019

It’s still winter. Politics sucks, the weather sucks, and we’re all sick of being inside. Our Winteritis stories are for women who can’t read another think piece, who’ve pushed the outer limits of time it’s possible to spend on social media, and who just want to shop online and hibernate until spring is here.

Spring is just around the corner, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at the weather reports. Just a few weeks ago, most of the United States was stuck in a very frigid polar vortex. When the temperature is in the single digits like this, getting dressed to go outside feels nearly impossible. (And don’t get us started on how to get out of bed in the first place.) The easiest thing to do, obviously, is to just throw on a sweatshirt. It resembles your coziest blanket, after all.

And good news: Sweatshirts have been popping up all over NYFW this past week on and off the runway, most notably in the tie-dye variety at Collina Strada. The takeaway? Sweatshirts have always been a wardrobe staple, sure, but now they’re truly trendy amongst the fashion set. Oh, and did we mention they go with everything? You can even wear these once spring finally shows up. So shop the nine best sweatshirts to wear for the rest of winter, below, from a very on-trend tie-dye look to a more simple Champion classic.

Tara Gonzalez is the commerce editor at Glamour, follow her at @tarigonzalez on Instagram.

Selena Gomez Attended Her Friend’s Bachelorette Weekend—and the Pics Are Gorgeous

Selena Gomez made a rare return to Instagram Monday night (February 11) to share some pics of herself living it up on her best friend Courtney Barry’s bachelorette trip.

“My best friend is getting married, so we celebrated her! Future Mrs. Lopez,” Gomez captioned the snaps of herself and a few friends. They’re all wearing swimsuits and lounging on some beach, which is just rude to us mortals who are currently trekking through the snow. I guess my invitation was lost in the mail.

From the looks of these photos, it looks like it was a great, relaxing trip. Check out the snaps, below, including a casual shot that Barry posted of Gomez riding a horse on the beach. (She captioned it with a simple blue heart emoji.) Is this how Gomez is going to come riding into 2019 to save pop music? Fingers crossed, because we need her!

Gomez has been celebrating Barry’s upcoming nuptials for a while now. In January she attended her bridal shower, looking stunning in a red dress.

In August 2018, Gomez posted a tribute to her longtime friend on Instagram. “You are an incredible woman,” she wrote. “The way you handle life’s most confusing moments is indescribable and graceful. You are moved by the littlest stories to the most heartbreaking ones, you will give someone your perfume if they say you smell nice, you are freaking hilarious and always stand firm in your faith, a loving sister, an amazing friend and a beautiful daughter. You are the definition of FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made baby!”

Selena Gomez returned to Instagram in January after a fourth-month hiatus and opened up about her challenging 2018. (The singer reportedly sought treatment in October following an “emotional breakdown” about low white blood cell count, though this was never confirmed by her team.)

“It’s been awhile since you have heard from me, but I wanted to wish everyone a happy new year and to thank you for your love and support,” she wrote in January. “Last year was definitely a year of self-reflection, challenges and growth. It’s always those challenges which show you who you are and what you are capable of overcoming. Trust me, it’s not easy, but I am proud of the person I am becoming and look forward to the year ahead. Love you all.”

Miley Cyrus Went to Liam Hemsworth’s Movie Premiere by Herself Last Night

Miley Cyrus is Liam Hemsworth‘s biggest supporter. She cheered him on earlier this month when he accepted the G’Day USA Gala’s Excellence in Film Award, and now she’s attending his movie red carpets—solo.

But there’s no trouble in paradise. Hemsworth is just feeling under the weather—that’s why Cyrus went to the Los Angeles premiere of his new movie Isn’t It Romantic by herself Monday night (February 11). She explained the entire situation on Instagram.

“So proud of my hunky hubby @liamhemsworth & his newest movie #IsntItRomantic ❤️,” she wrote alongside a photo of herself at the premiere. “He unfortunately wasn’t able to attend due to health reasons… but he is recovering and taking this time to rest / heal. It’s hard for entertainers to put themselves before the project but this time it was crucial …. I am proud to represent him and his incredible work. So happy to see him shining in this comedy! He is the funniest person I know , and the world now gets to see the Liam I wake up to every day…. luckiest.”

She posted several more photos of herself at the premiere, and even captioned one of them with this NSFW comment: “Getting sick blows. But so do I. Get well soon babe. I love you. Play that sax you sexy fuck.” (She’s standing in front of a promo image for Isn’t It Romantic in which Hemsworth plays the saxophone.)

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth tied the knot in late December. They’ve each been vocal about their love and affection for the other. “You are a sweet, sweet angel,” Hemsworth said to Cyrus at the G’Day USA Gala while accepting his award. “Yeah, I love you! You’re great!”

On Hemsworth’s birthday, Cyrus wrote a love note of sorts to him and posted it to Instagram. “I love how you learn and grow,” she wrote. “I love writing songs about you on the piano. I love how you let ME be ME.”

The Bachelor Season 23, Episode 6 Recap: Is Anybody Here for the Right Reasons?

Be warned: Spoilers for The Bachelor ahead.

This week’s Bachelor episode skipped the usual Colton-is-shirtless-omg montage and started in media res with Onyeka and Nicole’s drama. There’s a lot going on. Colton’s pacing the beach; the women are shocked and confused; Onyeka and Nicole are, somehow, still fighting over who’s the bigger bully.

What a perfect time for the rose ceremony! Nicole whispers a prayer and crosses herself. The roses go to Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa, Demi, Hannah G., Katie, and Sydney. That means, you guessed it, Onyeka and Nicole are eliminated. They’re both sad to go—but happy the other one isn’t staying.

The next morning, Colton wanders around the beach, brooding. (Guess I spoke too soon about no shirtless moments.) This mood doesn’t last too long, though, because things are looking up: They’re in Vietnam now, and he’s got a hot date with Hannah G. to look forward to.

They go to a day spa, where Colton spends the whole time either making out with Hannah G. or talking about how much Hannah G. turns him on. (“I would eat that sushi roll,” he jokes, about her.) They make out in a mud bath. They make out in the shower. At one point, they make out on a massage table so vigorously that I would not blame the fine people of Vietnam if they built a wall to keep American reality stars out.

Colton and Hannah G. spent so much time making out, they don’t really talk until dinner that night. Hannah G. warns Colton that opening up is not her “jam,” but he suggests that it can be a good, healthy thing to do in relationships. So, she talks about her parent’s divorce and the first time she realized they were no longer a family. She gets the rose.

Back at the resort, the women find out Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi will be going on this week’s group date. (Kirpa has the next one-on-one.) There are a few disappointed tears about losing out on a solo date—even Demi, the world’s most confident woman, cries.

The women learn Vovinam, a Vietnamese martial art—in other words, one of those competition dates that pits the women against each other. And so, I’m not going to spend too much time on it. Just know there were some giggles, some punches, and Demi had a minor freak out after she got punched in the face. Even Colton is like yeeesh, I regret this.

That night, everyone is feeling insecure about their relationship status. I keep coming back to The Bachelor, but I have to question my commitment after watching a beautiful pageant contestant tell a scoop of vanilla ice cream, “I’m sooOoOoO wEiRddDDd! How will you ever love me?!” A variation of this happens every season, and it is increasingly hard to stomach.

That said, he is very sweet with Demi when she asks if they can call her mom, who has just been released from prison.

His time with Sydney, however, does not go as well. She complains he’s taking “easier choices” with the people he’s pursuing, but I’m not sure what that means—isn’t a smooth, happy relationship the goal here? Whatever, Sydney is leaving and she drops some advice on her way out: “There are wonderful people in that group. Find them. Don’t get distracted by shiny things.”

Colton puts her suggestion into action right away, giving Tayshia the group date rose because she keeps “challenging” him.

The next day is Kirpa’s solo date, but the most memorable thing about it is the fact that her mysterious bandage is gone. (PS: Colton told us the story behind that.) There’s not much to say other than Kirpa reveals she was engaged before—he was a virgin too, FWIW—but it ended when their relationship grew stagnant. Colton acknowledges that he and Kirpa are moving slower than the others, but he gives her the rose anyway.

Demi Burnett Doesn’t Even Remember Submitting Herself for The Bachelor

Caution: Spoilers for The Bachelor ahead.

Demi Burnett established herself early on this season as one of The Bachelor‘s most controversial contestants. Her attitude toward the “older” women on the show—any woman over 27, that is—was not well-received, nor was that “Fantasy Closet” stunt she pulled at the expense of Tracy’s time with Colton.

Her boldness, though, shouldn’t have come as a surprise to viewers. Her first statement to Colton when she exited the limo on night one was out there, to say the least. “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12 but looking forward to giving it another shot,” she said to him, who’s only response was, “Boy, I’m in trouble.” She was also quite open about her family: Her mother, at the time the show premiered, was in prison for embezzlement and only a short time away from release.

But ultimately, Demi’s journey was short-lived on the show. After telling Colton she was falling in love, he realized he wasn’t feeling the same way and sent her home. It’s been quite the ride for the 23-year-old Texas native, who says she doesn’t even remember signing up for The Bachelor in the first place. “I think me and my girlfriends were having wine one night, and we got on [the site]. I didn’t think anything would ever come of it, but it did. So that was very exciting,” she tells Glamour.

Demi admits she didn’t know much about Colton before going on the show, but her dad did some research. “My dad approved, and that’s all I needed to hear,” she says. “I usually don’t bring a lot of guys around or anything, so he ensured me that [Colton] would be worth it.”

Going into this process, Demi says she was most afraid of getting her heart broken—though that fear faded away the more she thought about it. “Heartbreak is a part of life, and that’s something you can learn from,” she explains. “I choose to be pretty optimistic.”

It’s unclear what—or who—is in Demi’s future, but she’ll have her family, including her mother, to lean on. “Family is huge for me,” she says. “I think that without your family you don’t have a lot of people that truly have your back. Your family is a very, very strong core that you need to have in life to survive in this world.”

To learn more about Demi Burnett, follow her on Instagram here.

Reporting by Alize Emme

Get to Know Onyeka Ehie From The Bachelor

Onyeka Ehie established herself early as one of the key players on The Bachelor this season. There was her memorable opening interview, which included the quote, “If I was the person Colton gave his virginity to I would definitely bring out all the tricks.” And she wasted no time calling out Catherine for monopolizing Colton’s time during the first cocktail party. Then there’s the whole drama with Nicole. Mix in the fact that she literally called herself “weird and obnoxious,” and you have all the makings for a Bachelor standout.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t translate to Colton’s heart. Onyeka said goodbye to the 26-year-old in tonight’s episode, ending a journey that only started a few weeks ago—at least on television.

The 24-year-old Dallas native says she signed herself up for The Bachelor. “I definitely had a lot of outside influence from people at work and my close friends because I’ve been single for five years and I’ve never been in love before,” Onyeka says. “That’s partially because I’ve been working on myself a lot and my career and I’m very picky. Honestly, the dating scene in Dallas is great, but I haven’t found anyone to connect with.”

Connection is something Onyeka has been craving for a while. She’s looking for real love—not just a relationship because it “makes sense.” “I want to be with someone because it’s what I want and I feel it. I know that when I’m in love with someone, I’ll know it. It’s kind of like an orgasm,” she says, laughing.

Of course, Onyeka wanted that person to be Colton. Aside from just being a “genuine guy,” two things about him drew her in. “He upholds really strong Christian values, and I grew up in the Christian church, so that’s important to me…and he’s hot.”

Onyeka grew up in a traditional Nigerian family, and she says a deal-breaker for her is someone who can’t assimilate into that. “I didn’t know if Colton had ever dated a black girl before,” she says. “That wasn’t a fear, but a question almost. My parents are very open to me [dating a white guy], but they want to make sure that he’s aware if he’s with me he’s not just dating a girl that’s African American; he’s dating a girl that has a very strong Nigerian culture. My parents are very traditional, so being in a relationship with me comes with a lot of traditional aspects. If he’s willing to adapt to those, then my parents are 100% on board.”

Things might not have worked out for her and Colton, but Onyeka has someone very exciting to go home to: her dog, Smoky. “He’s my favorite,” she says. “It was hard going so long time without seeing him.”

To learn more about Onyeka Ehie, follow her on Instagram here.

— reporting by Alize Emme

The Secret to Alicia Keys’ No-Makeup Makeup at the 2019 Grammys

When Alicia Keys announced two years ago she was swearing off makeup, we cheered her on. Someone was finally pushing back at the absurd expectation that women in Hollywood need to spend hours in hair and makeup before leaving the house. We were also jealous. Not only does she have the voice of a goddess (and the ability to play two freaking pianos at once), she’s got skin like one too.

But Keys is human, and it soon came out (thanks to some intrepid reporting by W) that—like all that rehearsal time she spends in the studio—she puts the same amount of energy into her skin care routine. According to her makeup artist, Dotti, that regimen goes to the tune of $455.

So last night, when a little birdie alerted us to the fact Keys actually was wearing makeup to host the 2019 Grammys, we rang up Dotti immediately to find out how to do your makeup so convincing that it tricks hundreds of journalists to report you’re not wearing any.

Unsurprisingly, it’s all about skin care prep. “We do quite a bit prep before we even get to makeup—we moisturizer, jade roller, and massage,” Dotti tells Glamour. “Prepping for the most important thing. You can put any makeup on top, but it’s about the quality of the skin you put it on that’ll really make it look great.” To get to that place, she says Keys does a lot of the things you can’t get at a bathroom sink, like lasers and facials (sorry), but she does have a solid trick for making the most of your skin care products. It’s all about layering. “I start with a light serum and moisturizer, just to keep the skin quality lush but not weighed down, and for each one, I roll it in with the jade roller, then do another layer,” she says.

The same trick goes for making foundation look virtually undetectable—yes, even drugstore formulas. “I like to break down foundation by mixing it with face oil until it literally becomes translucent,” says Dotti, who used Burt’s Bees Full Coverage Liquid Makeup in Walnut and Deep Maple mixed with the brand’s Complete Nourishment Facial Oil on Keys last night.

Then, just the way she layers skin care, she does the same with base makeup. She first presses foundation in with a big buffing brush (Rae Morris brushes are her favorite) or Beautyblender, then she rolls it with a jade roller. Next comes another layer of makeup, followed again by jade rolling. “It helps makeup sink into your skin for a more natural glow,” she says. “I think makeup looks best after an hour or two after it’s settled onto your face—this does that instantly. You’ll get makeup on your roller, sure, but that’s fine. It actually helps remove any excess.” As for type of roller she recommends? Dotti got hers 10 years ago and doesn’t remember the brand, but she says investing in real jade (like one from Ling Skincare) is worth it.

And because we’re sure your group chat probably read something like ours, you’re right: Nobody’s chest looks that radiant naturally. Dottie used a self-tanning mitt to rub on Sol de Janeiro Copacabana Bronze Glow Oil (which is basically a shimmery body lotion) in all the places that naturally catch light. “I always use a mitten to put on body makeup,” she says. “It’s easy, there’s no finger marks, and it goes on super even.”