
When Michael Kawula was 14 years old and dating his first girlfriend, his dad brought up the topic of sex for the first—and last—time: He rolled up a copy of a Playboy magazine and stuffed it in his son’s Christmas stocking.
“That was the end of my sexual education from my dad,” says Mr. Kawula, a 45-year-old entrepreneur from Trinity, Fla. With his own son, now 16, Mr. Kawula says he tries to be much more open. Talking about sex with our boys “is a conversation that needs to be had,” he says, “even more so today than in the past.”
The #MeToo era is a complex moment to come of age sexually. A necessary dialogue has opened up about sexual misconduct. Yet the conversation has been divisive, confusing and sometimes ill-informed. And research shows parents are not giving their children adequate guidance about sex and relationships.
A May 2017 report from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, called “The Talk,” surveyed more than 3,000 18- to 25-year-olds and found that misogyny and sexual harassment are pervasive among young people. Eighty-seven percent of female respondents reported experiencing at least one of the following: being catcalled, touched without permission by a stranger, insulted with sexualized words by a man, insulted with sexualized words by a woman, having a stranger say something sexual to them, and having a stranger tell them they were “hot.” Yet 76% of respondents said they had never had a conversation with their parents about how to avoid sexually harassing others.
The report also stated that a majority of respondents said their parents had never spoken to them about consent, including “being sure your partner wants to have sex and is comfortable doing so before having sex,” the “importance of not pressuring someone to have sex with you,” and the “importance of not having sex with someone who is too intoxicated or impaired to make a decision about sex.” Almost 60% of respondents had never talked with their parents about the importance of “being a caring and respectful sexual partner.” Yet a large majority of respondents who said they did have these types of conversations with their parents described them as influential.
Psychologists say that both mothers and fathers should talk to their children about sex. But boys may be harder to reach—they’re less communicative and responsive, and may not understand #MeToo issues or think they apply to them. Fathers, in particular, bring something unique to the discussion with their sons. “Most boys look to their fathers for what it means to be a man and how men should treat women,” says Mark T. Morman, a professor of communication at Baylor University in Waco, Texas, who has spent 20 years studying male relationships.
“Most fathers father the way they got fathered,” Dr. Morman says. When it comes to talking about sex with their sons now, this can be a problem. Today’s dads went to high school and college in a very different era. AIDS was the big danger everyone talked about. People thought the biggest risk of assaults came from strangers who jumped out from a dark place. And few talked about consent or healthy sexual intimacy. If sex was discussed at all, it was likely just a talk about “the birds and the bees” or the importance of using condoms.
No wonder today’s dads feel like they’re winging it. A few years ago when Jeff Roach realized his teenage son, who is now 17, was likely becoming intimate with his long-term girlfriend, his first thought was: “Crap, do I really have to have this conversation? I am woefully ill-prepared.” But he took a deep breath and asked his son if they should go to the drugstore and buy condoms. His son’s reply: “Dad, don’t go there.”
Mr. Roach, 50, a director of a technology-consulting team in Bothell, Wash., persisted. He told his son that it was his job as a parent to make sure they talked about sex. And he has since had a number of conversations with his son—and sometimes also the boy’s girlfriend—that he deems awkward but vital. He’s discussed his own sexual history—explaining why he waited until he got engaged to have sex. He’s talked about the emotional ramifications of being sexually active. And he’s explained consent, telling his son that he needs to respect his girlfriend’s boundaries and also that he can say no, too.
“I felt like I was dying inside,” Mr. Roach says. “But this is part of the responsibility of being a dad, and if you don’t talk about it someone else will, and they won’t have the values and moral insight you have.”
What can a father do? Experts say dads should start talking about sex as soon as their sons become curious and keep the dialogue going. If your son resists talking—and he probably will—explain that this is a necessary conversation and your job as a parent is to have it with him. And ask him when in the next few days he would like to talk. “This will help him understand that you want this to be mutual,” says Mike Domitrz, founder of the Date Safe Project, a Milwaukee-area company that works to reduce sexual violence.
You need to discuss consent. If you don’t understand the nuances or how to talk about it—it can be verbal or nonverbal, and silence does not mean yes—read about it first. “Learn that it means mutually wanted, enthusiastically given consent to have sex, between partners of legal age and sound mind,” Mr. Domitrz says.
Focus on the emotional content of sex, not the mechanics. You want your son to understand that the real purpose of sex is intimacy and connection. “Keep the focus on your son and self-respect,” says Dr. Morman. “Ask your son who he wants to be—the man who treats women well? Or the drunk fraternity guy who mistreats girls?”
Talk about the pressure girls feel to be attractive and liked and more sexually available than they might really want to be. “You can explain that just because a girl is acting seductive or dressed a certain way does not mean she wants to have sex with you,” says Joshua Coleman, a psychologist in Oakland, Calif., and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families.
Mr. Kawula has spent a lot of time thinking about what he wishes his father had told him about sex. When his son had his first girlfriend, at age 13, he initiated a long conversation while on vacation. He told him about how he’d dated a senior girl when he was just a freshman in high school, how she encouraged him to have sex on prom night, and how he’d felt unprepared and confused and had refused.
“I also made it clear that you are getting to that age where you will be wanting to do things, and I understand that, but I want you to know you can come and talk to me about this stuff,” Mr. Kawula says.
Since that chat, Mr. Kawula says he’s talked to his son about mutual consent, as well as the need to stick up for anyone who might be in danger. And he says he works hard to be a good role model: He makes sure to speak to his wife and daughters with respect and give them his full attention when they speak.
“I try to lead by example,” he says.
How to navigate ‘the talk’
Talk early and often. This discussion should be an ongoing dialogue that starts as soon as your son is curious about sex and continues for years.
Look for teaching moments. It could be something in the news or a film or TV show. Analyzing the choices made by familiar characters, such as the Avengers, can be a good way to discuss values without getting personal, says Andrew P. Smiler, a therapist in Winston-Salem, N.C., and author of “Dating and Sex: A Guide for the 21st Century Teen Boy.” You might ask: “What do you think about how Tony Stark treats women?”
Listen. Don’t lecture, judge or get angry. And don’t discourage your son from sharing his emotions. “The minute you fire back, he is not going to talk to you about this again,” says Mark Morman, a professor of communication at Baylor University, in Waco, Texas, who studies male relationships.
Focus on values and self-respect. Discuss what it means to treat a partner with respect and honesty.
Explain consent. Make sure your son understands that it can change from day to day or even moment to moment. It’s not always verbal. Silence is not a yes. Teach your son to respect the answer.
It’s OK for him to say no. Make sure he knows he shouldn’t be pressured into having sex he doesn’t want, either.
Teach your son to discuss expectations with a partner. Explain that being clear up front about the emotional context of the sex is responsible and will help prevent hurt feelings later.
Focus on your son. It’s not about you. Concentrate on the pressures your son faces. And be careful discussing your regrets or mistakes. Your son may think that because you turned out fine, the mistakes didn’t matter.
Don’t assume. Your son may have not had sex or done things you think he has. And he may not be attracted to the gender you think he is.
Don’t scare him. Instead of focusing on what can go wrong, focus on what to do right. Studies show there is no rash of false reports, where boys are wrongly accused of sexual assault.
Be a role model. Sons learn from their fathers how to treat women and how to behave in a relationship.
Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at elizabeth.bernstein@wsj.com or follow her on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter at EBernsteinWSJ.