We open tonight with Sydney recapping last week’s drama. She hopes that now, in week three, they’re all past that. Excuse me, ma’am. What show do you think you’re on? Also, recapping The Bachelor is my job. So let’s get to it—spoilers ahead, obviously.
Chris Harrison shows up with a group date card and this extremely helpful advice: “There will be highs, there will lows, that’s the way it goes!” Are you a Dr. Seuss poem now or what? “I bet I’ll be seeing you around,” he says, ominously, as he departs. (I mean, yes, you will because that’s literally your only job around here.)
Anyway, Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn are all going on the group date. Hannah B.’s annoyed because that means she’ll have to spend even more time competing with Caelynn. (What. Happened. Between. These. Two? There has to be more to it than “I won and she didn’t.”) The date is at some place called Pirate’s Dinner Adventure, which is basically Medieval Times in Pirates of the Caribbean cosplay and an excuse for Colton to wear a deep V.
The date concept is pretty straightforward: The women are to dress up in pirate gear and compete to star in the show with Colton. He spends most of the time, though, flirting with Caelynn. This bothers Hannah, naturally. “I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant,” she says. (But you kind of did?) And, shock, Caelynn gets to be in the show while the other women watch from the “poop deck.” Demi heckles them by throwing a full turkey leg onto the stage. I wish Demi wasn’t Demi because that is a move I can get behind.
The show ends with Caelynn saving Colton or whatever, which leads Hannah B. to decide that Colton needs to know the truth—or her version of it.
That night at the after party, Colton bonds with Katie while Tracy and Demi bicker about who is more passive aggressive. Again, Demi makes fun of Tracy for being older than her. Demi, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS LAST WEEK. STOP.
But no, Demi will not stop. Instead, she interrupts Courtney’s time with Colton so she can blindfold him and spank him with a paddle. Then she rubs a mannequin hand over his crotch. It’s as weird as it sounds, but not to Demi. “I think he really appreciates how I have fun with him,” she says. When she returns to the group, Courtney pulls her aside and asks her to be “more aware” of her tone. Demi’s like, nope.
Colton and Caelynn are having a good time talking/making out while Heather gives Hannah B. horrible advice: Warn him about Caelynn. Here’s better advice: If you are a Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant never, ever do this. It does not end well for the tattletale. Just channel like one percent of Demi’s confidence and mind your own business.
Of course, Hannah B. doesn’t do this. She tells Colton that she and Caelynn were friends and roommates at Miss USA, but there was a falling out. They haven’t talked since. She describes the experience as the most “hostile” environment she’s ever been in—and she’s wondering, if he can like Caelynn so much, how can he like her? Colton responds with a bunch of sighs.
Then he asks Caelynn for her side. She says basically the same thing: They were friends, but they responded differently to being in a competitive environment. She admits that in difficult situations, her response is to get quiet and close off. But that’s because she’s still recovering from some “real life shit.” She wants to open up to Colton about that someday, she adds, but it’s too soon in the relationship right now. Fair. Colton agrees, and he gives her the rose.
The next morning, Colton has a one-on-one date with Elyse. They take a helicopter ride to San Diego, where they spend the day at Belmont Park with a bunch of adorable kids. My favorite is the little girl who screams, “Last one on is a rotten egg!” as she runs to the rides. My spirit animal. I think it’s the same girl who later tells Colton she watched The Bachelorette with her mom all the time. It’s like a glimpse into my future.
After seeing how great Colton was with the kids, Elyse isn’t worried about the age difference anymore. And Colton’s impressed with Elyse’s confidence and independence. Over dinner, he asks where those traits come from and she opens up about how her sister was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant. Elyse’s sister couldn’t do treatments because of the baby, and she passed away. It was tough, she says, but her family loves the baby so much and they created a children’s charity in the sister’s honor.
Fully crying. Wow, Elyse for Bachelorette? Naturally, Colton gives her the rose, and they end their date with one of those signature random “private” concerts.
The next day is a group date with Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin. (Bummer for Hannah G., who doesn’t get any date this week.) The date is yet another excuse to get Colton shirtless—this time, it’s to work out.
Terry and Rebecca Crews are there to help Colton “find his strong woman.” Apparently they mean this literally—everyone’s working out, even Nicole who is doing her best.
After a few half-hearted pull-ups and some extreme stretching from Sydney, it’s time for a competition. First up, the women are tasked with pushing a 100-pound wedding cake down the aisle. Poor Nicole can’t even move it past the starting line. The second event is a ring toss, which is really just lifting a tractor tire. Last up, they strap a woman to a limo and ask her to pull it. It seems impossible, yet Caitlin, a very small woman, manages to do it. How?!? I’m genuinely impressed with this feat of strength, but somehow she doesn’t make it to the final three. This competition is rigged!
“I’m not the most athletic of the bunch…but I walk my dog!” —Nicole
At the after party, Colton has good moments with Tayshia, Nicole, Onyeka, and Cassie. But when it’s time to talk to Caitlin, she’s all, “I don’t have anything standing out in my life that I want to share right now, but today was great!” Colton asks what she’s looking for in a partner, and she says someone who can go out and be silly with her and her friends. “I’m happy to open up to you about that!” He pushes a little more, and she says she doesn’t know what to open up about because life has been so good. (Raise your hand if you’re feeling a lil bit jealous and maybe resentful of Caitlin right now. Imagine having a life filled with zero problems…). She can’t even answer his question about what a night with her family looks like. After struggling through this awkward conversation, Colton finally tells Caitlin he’s not feeling a spark. She leaves and on her way out complains that she’s the real one and the other girls are all fake. That may be, but at least they have more to talk about than being silly with friends.
The group date goes to my fave, Nicole.
The next day Chris Harrison arrives with a surprise: There’ll be a pool party instead of a cocktail party.
“You’re going to hang out all day, he’s going to have his shirt off!” —Chris Harrison
Sounds fun in theory—too bad Colton spends the whole day dealing with Hannah B. and Caelynn’s drama. Caelynn tells Colton Hannah B. is manipulative and deceitful; Hannah B. claims it’s the opposite. Colton doesn’t know who to believe because he likes them both. “Just freaking trust me,” Hannah says. Oh OK.
The other women are frustrated these two are eating up all of his time. He’s not happy about it either: Colton complains to the producers, and at one point even Chris Harrison steps in to see what’s going on. But when it comes time for the rose ceremony, Hannah B. gets a rose and is staying. (Caelynn, as well as Elyse and Nicole, had roses too.) The rest go to: Hannah G., Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, and Onyeka. That means Catherine, Bri, and…Nina?—sorry, she had very little screen time!—are going home. See you next week!