Be warned: Spoilers for The Bachelor ahead.
This week’s Bachelor episode skipped the usual Colton-is-shirtless-omg montage and started in media res with Onyeka and Nicole’s drama. There’s a lot going on. Colton’s pacing the beach; the women are shocked and confused; Onyeka and Nicole are, somehow, still fighting over who’s the bigger bully.
What a perfect time for the rose ceremony! Nicole whispers a prayer and crosses herself. The roses go to Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa, Demi, Hannah G., Katie, and Sydney. That means, you guessed it, Onyeka and Nicole are eliminated. They’re both sad to go—but happy the other one isn’t staying.
The next morning, Colton wanders around the beach, brooding. (Guess I spoke too soon about no shirtless moments.) This mood doesn’t last too long, though, because things are looking up: They’re in Vietnam now, and he’s got a hot date with Hannah G. to look forward to.
They go to a day spa, where Colton spends the whole time either making out with Hannah G. or talking about how much Hannah G. turns him on. (“I would eat that sushi roll,” he jokes, about her.) They make out in a mud bath. They make out in the shower. At one point, they make out on a massage table so vigorously that I would not blame the fine people of Vietnam if they built a wall to keep American reality stars out.
Colton and Hannah G. spent so much time making out, they don’t really talk until dinner that night. Hannah G. warns Colton that opening up is not her “jam,” but he suggests that it can be a good, healthy thing to do in relationships. So, she talks about her parent’s divorce and the first time she realized they were no longer a family. She gets the rose.
Back at the resort, the women find out Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi will be going on this week’s group date. (Kirpa has the next one-on-one.) There are a few disappointed tears about losing out on a solo date—even Demi, the world’s most confident woman, cries.
The women learn Vovinam, a Vietnamese martial art—in other words, one of those competition dates that pits the women against each other. And so, I’m not going to spend too much time on it. Just know there were some giggles, some punches, and Demi had a minor freak out after she got punched in the face. Even Colton is like yeeesh, I regret this.
That night, everyone is feeling insecure about their relationship status. I keep coming back to The Bachelor, but I have to question my commitment after watching a beautiful pageant contestant tell a scoop of vanilla ice cream, “I’m sooOoOoO wEiRddDDd! How will you ever love me?!” A variation of this happens every season, and it is increasingly hard to stomach.
That said, he is very sweet with Demi when she asks if they can call her mom, who has just been released from prison.
His time with Sydney, however, does not go as well. She complains he’s taking “easier choices” with the people he’s pursuing, but I’m not sure what that means—isn’t a smooth, happy relationship the goal here? Whatever, Sydney is leaving and she drops some advice on her way out: “There are wonderful people in that group. Find them. Don’t get distracted by shiny things.”
Colton puts her suggestion into action right away, giving Tayshia the group date rose because she keeps “challenging” him.
The next day is Kirpa’s solo date, but the most memorable thing about it is the fact that her mysterious bandage is gone. (PS: Colton told us the story behind that.) There’s not much to say other than Kirpa reveals she was engaged before—he was a virgin too, FWIW—but it ended when their relationship grew stagnant. Colton acknowledges that he and Kirpa are moving slower than the others, but he gives her the rose anyway.